2007 Predictions

by Treble Staff

01.15.2007





At the beginning of every year, there's a certain excitement that comes with being a music writer. There's the promise of new albums, returns of old favorites, the discovery of new favorites, new tours, festivals, scandals and events. But there's really no telling what exactly is going to happen. Hell, even those release dates are a little up in the air. So, in the interest of giving our readers some insight into what 2007 holds for music fans, we've pulled out the crystal ball, tarot cards, Magic 8-ball and divining rods. Here's what they told us...

Jackie Im

In keeping with their recording of Harry Nilsson's Pussy Cats in its entirety, The Walkmen will tackle another album, this time Hall & Oates' Private Eyes. The recording will take place over the course of a "lost" weekend, then end of which will see three band members sporting Oates' trademark mustache. Their cover of "I Can't Go For That" will be hailed as the best of the year by several blogs ushering in a new era of unironic blue-eyed soul. The Strokes, in turn, will take note and release a soulful new album which everyone will say is still not as good as Is This It.

Susan Frances

The Pierces will dethrone Regina Spektor as MTVU's female sensation

OK GO will keep up with the gimmicky visuals, but instead of a treadmill video, they will go dramatic and "serious" in tone with a one of the guys in a haunted castle.

Kanye West will make his television acting debut on the fledging NBC show Heroes.

U2 will do a TV special in the vein of Oprah Winfrey featuring their closest friends, and most likely some product placement.

The Who will perform a free concert in New York City's Central Park.

Youtube.com will invest in a syndicated television show that is broadcast internationally showing the most watched music videos from the popular internet site. Somebody has to, right?

Jimmy Eat World will finally release the follow up to Futures.

Paul Bozzo

The Arcade Fire's release of Neon Bible will shock most members of the music community by reminding them that it has been about three years since the release of Funeral. The phrase "time flies" is not even applicable here. I remember many instances in which I have scrolled down to tracks from Funeral on my iPod, and many of the days in between. Time has escaped me in a different way than its usual method of aviation. I've been drunk off my ass and Time has cleaned up my mess, drove me home, and moved on, but I am recollecting images from what seems to be the night before when "Power Out (Neighborhood #3)" played on the stereo and the term Arcade Fire still had connotations of a tragic event instead of a Funeral. This revelation will probably be reflected upon with the word, "Weird," and then quickly dismissed in a rush to hurry back to the car and shatter Neon Bible into the CD deck.


Hubert Vigilla

Iowa will be Sufjan Stevens' next state in the 50 States project. If Sufjan Stevens stays in the Midwest, why not go with Illinois' neighbor to the west, right? I mean, there could be songs about cities such as Des Moines and Waterloo and famous Iowans such as John Wayne, Glenn Miller and Grant Wood (the song perhaps alluding to American Gothic). One of the song titles on the Iowa album will be "Iowanna Rock and Roll All Night."

Prince will perform "Darling Nikki" at the 2007 Superbowl Halftime Show. After Sir Paul McCartney and The Rolling Stones' classy halftime shows the last two years, Prince will upset the FCC and perhaps even the PMRC by performing a truncated "Darling Nikki" halfway into his medley at Miami' Dolphin Stadium. Beyonce Knowles will assist the purple one in telling the sexy, sordid tale.

The new Smashing Pumpkins album will sound like Zwan. Call that one a gimme.

My Bloody Valentine will informally reform. This is the obligatory prediction, the #1 wish on everyone's wish list. Supposedly Kevin Shields has expressed interest in a reunion tour. Sure, it's a myth as old as Gilgamesh by now, but let's entertain that myth with optimistic gusto. This leads to the conservative prediction that the band will reunite in some incarnation or another... though a tour and any new recordings will not come about until roughly 2015.

Final Price Tag on Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy: $18 Million. After 10 years of work and the spending the GDP of Saint Helena, a new G N' R album will finally see the light of day. Much to Axl Rose's dismay, both Robin Finck and Tommy Stinson will leave the band prior to a world tour in order to join the newly reformed My Bloody Valentine.


Kevin Falahee

The Shins' Wincing the Night Away will split the critics in two—shaky reviews from some, praise from others and a guaranteed 6.8 from Pitchfork. It really all depends on what Zach Braff would do.

El-P's I'll Sleep When You're Dead is the album that the critics will jock like "whoa." Everything he touches winds up on some sort of list. With four years of prep, this may come to top those lists. Plus white America loves it when white America does urban America. This is the ultimate in spastic, white geek rap. "Geek" as in sci-fi, not as in Paul Barman.

Vegas Oddsmakers Conclude New York Based Rock Critic Has 100 Percent Chance of Not Sleeping With Emily Haines This Year
ASTORIA, NEW YORK- Oddsmakers from the Mandalay Bay Hotel, Resort and Casino located in Las Vegas, Nevada have recently discovered that Kevin Falahee, a 25-year-old rock journalist of Astoria, New York has exactly 100 percent chance of not sleeping with Canadian born musician Emily Haines this year.

"Taking into account Kevin's overall appearance, body mass index, hair line, earning potential and personality we came up with a figure we can say is accurate, stated Mr. Richard Jiminshin of the Nevada Gaming Commission. "Therefore, even though we cannot predict every aspect of his future we can say for certain that sex with Emily Haines is not part of it in 2007."

When confronted with the results earlier today that he would not be bedding the multi talented singer/songwriter from such bands as Broken Social Scene and Metric, Falahee accepted the news without protest.

"I mean, I kinda figured it wouldn't happen this year. I also kinda figured next year was out of the picture too. I'm more of a 'five-year-plan' kinda guy. I like parameters but I also like to take my time," stated the dour but forgettable Falahee.

He concluded, "There's like, 13 dudes in that one band and when you take into account road crew, management etc. it just makes it that much harder. Plus, who knows, she may be bi-sexual which means I have to compete against Amy Millan too. That, and she has no idea who I am."

Emily Haines could not be reached for comment.

Terrance Terich

Axl Rose, in an effort to promote his finally released `lost classic' Chinese Democracy, will stage more brawls against the only group with which he feels he has equal footing, male figureheads in the fashion industry. "Welcome to the Banana Republic Jungle, baby! You're gonna cry!"

"Weird" Al Yankovic will parody Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" in a song called "UglyFront." The rhyme scheme alone could yield a hilarious result; that is if Al actually worked blue.

In the wake of Johnny Marr `joining' Modest Mouse, Death Cab for Cutie will shortly announce the signing on of Morrissey. As a result, thousands of young Hispanics will flock to both Issaquah and Bellingham, creating a `battle for Seattle' turf war not seen since West Side Story.

Pete Doherty will do more drugs. Oh sorry, I was looking into the crystal meth, not the crystal ball. My bad.

The Police will finally have their long awaited reunion. Even though no dust will fly between Sting and Stewart Copeland as expected, there will be tragedy. At most stops of the tour, hundreds of over-fifty attendees will be whisked out of stadiums and given oxygen after attempting to sing along with "Canary in a Coalmine."

2005 seemed to be the year of angular post-punk and 2006 seemed to be about literate diversity. 2007 will go back to a single focus for popular indie bands, that focus being polka and ranchero music. Oy! Arriba!

In another practical joke, Sufjan Stevens will tell Pitchfork that his next project will be an album highlighting Puerto Rico in an effort to promote its statehood. Thousands of indie hipsters, not getting the joke, will storm the capital, and thus, Puerto Rico will finally become our 51st state, enraging flag makers all across the globe. Urban Outfitters' biggest selling item of the year, a t-shirt with a Puerto Rican flag on the back and a slogan on the front that reads, "Sufjan Did It!"

In 2007, everyone in America will eventually get his or her own indie label. In an effort to make sure everyone has at least one release on the market, Ryan Adams will donate a different single to each and every person in the country. After the dust has settled, Adams will still have a triple album's worth of material that no one wants.

American rock bands will plea Congress and the Department of Homeland Security for tighter restrictions at the Canadian border, claiming that `those damned Canucks are stealing all of our jobs.' The Canadians reply with the ever popular, `we're just taking the jobs that you don't seem to want to do anyway.' Ooooh! Snap!

Wilco will be dropped by their label claiming their next album has no marketable potential only to be resigned by a different division of the same label after a considerable reaction to their Internet only release. Oh wait, damn, this crystal ball is stuck in reverse.


Jeff Terich

In some form or another, Les Savy Fav's new album will save the universe. Either that or it will just rock really hard.

Tony Orlando will become the next big star of the past to be championed by hipsters. Rick Rubin will produce his comeback album, which will include, among other things, a cover of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Maps," and a somber, acoustic version of "Copacabana."

Conor Oberst and Milo Ventimiglia of Heroes will switch places for a day. Swooning fans won't seem to notice that Oberst is absent, due to Jess's dreamy good looks, while Mr. Bright Eyes himself will save the world with his superhuman ability to poetically diss the President, compel critics to draw Dylan comparisons and turn Midwestern cities into bastions of cool. But just to be clear, NBC, he's not singing his songs for you.

In attempt to catch up after realizing releasing one album every two years would mean his '50 States' project would last at least 100 years, Sufjan Stevens gets a few quick ones out of the way: companion EPs Dakota, part one: North and Dakota, part two: South, mini-albums Wyoming? Because We Like You and Montana: The Last Best Place and seven-inch "The State of Rhode Island/Providence Plantations" will all be released before Thanksgiving. He briefly considers covering Bon Jovi's New Jersey in its entirety before enlisting the too prolific for his own good Ryan Adams to start laying down tracks for every state on the Eastern Sea Board.

A new reality show titled Indie Rock Star: Broken Social Scene will premiere, on which contestants compete to play...uh...something in Broken Social Scene. After twelve episodes of grueling side-by-side competition, the band decides to allow everyone in the band, thus expanding their roster from twenty something to about 100. Dave Newfeld makes it work.

After a long year of getting behind really mediocre bands and declaring 2006 a subpar year for music, Bloggers will in turn decide that music in 2007 is, in fact, "too good." Pitchfork will hand out another "10.0," and message board geeks will say that they've gone soft, and used to be far more discriminating. The 10? The crystal ball gets a little fuzzy here, but we have reason to believe the band is from a Scandinavian country.

The Earlies and Micah P. Hinson will form a third band (after the Gospel of Progress and the Late Cord), called The On-Times. Was that one too easy? Sorry.

MF Doom will attempt to outdo Ryan Adams and Sufjan Stevens by releasing the most albums in 2007. Unfortunately, none of them will actually be released until 2008. Danger Mouse, without realizing it, actually finds himself with the most album credits of any musician all year.

Robert Pollard will take an extended hangover nap and forget to record that 40 CD box set he had intended to. He makes up for it in January by adding 5 more CDs to it.

I imagine that the new Go! Team album will be pretty darned good.

Somehow, some way, somebody will find a way to release another album with 2Pac's name on it.

Treble will take over the universe...oh, damn, you weren't supposed to hear that one...